just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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