If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize