4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
