Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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