It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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