everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
