If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
