How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
