Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
