I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
