but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
