you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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