Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize