I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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