So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Text me some of your sweat
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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