dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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