Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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