its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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