dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
