Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
