Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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