Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
