a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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