DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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