Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
