you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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