The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
