My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
