I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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