youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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