why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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