my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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