There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize