I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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