My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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