i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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