I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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