If that was your dad, he is hot
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My liver just had a heart attack.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
