when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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