im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Pooping to opera.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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