Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
