Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
