I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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