The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
