If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
