Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
