He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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