Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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