I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
