Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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