oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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