Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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