I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
