There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There are leaves in my underwear?
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