Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
