I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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