Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
