Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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