You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
