Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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