I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
