I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
